


What Hurts The Most

by barbaXcarisi (barbaXbenson)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Developing Relationship, M/M, some violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-02-17 08:08:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13072728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barbaXbenson/pseuds/barbaXcarisi
Summary: “Rafael.” He felt a hand on his shoulder and he shook the fantasy from his head, looking around the church that was starting to empty. “It’s over,” Olivia said softly and he noticed that her eyes were red.“I’ll uh,” his voice was rough and he cleared his throat, but it didn’t seem to help much.  “I’ll meet you outside. I just need a minute.”She nodded, understanding in her eyes, and he wondered how long it had been there. How long had she known about the feelings that it had taken him so long to place? And even once he had he’d been too much of a coward to do anything about them, and now it was too late.





	What Hurts The Most

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Robin Hood (kjack89)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kjack89/gifts).



> Robin Hood gave me a prompt for angst without a happy ending and requested that I make it hurt, so this is only partially my fault...

_“Oh hey, Counselor, glad I caught you.” Carisi walked through his open office door without waiting for permission, something he was making a habit of, and settled onto the couch next to Rafael like he owned the place._

_Rafael wanted to make a snarky comment, but it died on his lips when Carisi’s thigh brushed his and their knees bumped one another. “What do you need, Carisi? It’s late.”_

_“Hamlin case. Liv sent me over. We need a warrant for his apartment. We’ve pretty much got it wrapped up, but if he’s got the souvenirs he stole from the victims stashed away, it’ll be solid.”_

_“What do you have?” Rafael asked as he took the file from the detective’s hands, reading through the information even as Carisi rattled it off._

_“No alibi for the first attack, two witnesses place him at the scene of the second, he refills the vending machines at the offices of both victims, asked them both out at one point or another, they turned him down. That’s definitely enough for a warrant,” Carisi spoke with confidence. He’d always loved showing off his knowledge, but in the little over a year since he’d passed the bar, Sonny had become more sure of himself._

_Rafael was tempted to shut him down for old times’ sake, but the detective was, in fact, correct and Rafael wouldn’t hinder their case just to toy with Carisi, no matter how much he would love to. “Yes, it is,” Rafael agreed and the surprise on Sonny’s face was evident._

_“It is?”_

_So much for that confidence. A small smile tugged at the corner of Rafael’s mouth. “Yes, Detective. I’ll get your warrant first thing in the morning.”_

_“Not tonight?”_

_Rafael checked his watch. “It’s after ten. You can hold Hamlin for twenty-four hours, and I’m not burning any collateral by knocking on a judge’s door this late at night.”_

_“You’ll tell Liv?” Carisi asked hopefully._

_Rafael chuckled. “Not a chance.”_

_“Was worth a shot, right?” The detective grinned, standing._

_“Carisi?” Rafael said before he’d even realized it._

_“Yeah?” He turned just as he’d reached the door._

_“Stay. Have a drink with me.” It wasn’t a question, but it was still tentative. “You know, since you won’t be getting your warrant tonight, I figure you’ve got time.”_

_Sonny smiled, his eyes lighting up. “Okay, sure. It’ll be safer to break the news to Lieu in a text instead of in person anyway.”_

_He settled back onto the couch while Rafael grabbed the bottle of scotch and two tumblers. Once again seated next to Carisi, he poured their drinks while Sonny nosily glanced over the paperwork that was spread out on the coffee table._

_“The Thompson case?” He asked, taking the glass from Barba, saying a quick word of thanks before continuing. “You submitted a plea offer?”_

_Rafael tried to ignore the way their fingers brushed as he handed off the glass, instead turning his attention to the form Carisi was tapping with his index finger._

_“Yes, I sent it over this afternoon.”_

_“Are you insane?” The amber liquid in Carisi’s glass sloshed as he turned more toward Rafael, knocking their knees together once more._

_This time it was easy to ignore as the incredulity welled up within him. “I beg your pardon, Detective?”_

_“We handed you a solid case and you’re pleading him down to sexual misconduct?”_

_Barba’s eyes narrowed, “Okay, first of all…”_

_Two drinks, three arguments, and one agreement on a legal precedent later they were both relaxed against the couch cushions, as close to one another as they could be without actually touching. Carisi’s arm was slung across the back of the couch, warm across Rafael’s shoulders._

_“I swear to God they just give JD’s away at Fordham,” he said with the shake of his head, leaning forward to refill his glass, but Sonny put his hand on Rafael’s to stop him._

_“Wait.” Sonny sat his own glass on the coffee table and leaned in close, putting a warm hand gently on Rafael’s thigh._

_Rafael could swear that his heart stopped, his mouth having gone dry as Sonny’s blue eyes bore into his. “What are you doing?”_

_Sonny suddenly looked unsure, but determined, so close now that Rafael could feel his breath on his lips. “Tell me if I’ve completely misread this situation because if I have I’m about to make a fool of myself.”_

_Rafael shook his head almost imperceptibly, afraid any sudden movement would make Carisi pull back. “You didn’t,” he whispered and then Sonny’s lips were on his._

_It was perfect, everything he’d ever dreamed of, only better because even in his fantasies Sonny’s lips had never moved as expertly over his as they were now. Soft and warm, they felt as if they were sculpted for the simple purpose of fitting against Rafael’s._

_Nothing in his life had ever felt so right. It was like a key had been turned in a lock, a key long thought missing, never to be found again. It was almost as if-_

 

“Rafael.” He felt a hand on his shoulder and he shook the fantasy from his head, looking around the church that was starting to empty. “It’s over,” Olivia said softly and he noticed that her eyes were red.

“I’ll uh,” his voice was rough and he cleared his throat, but it didn’t seem to help much.  “I’ll meet you outside. I just need a minute.”

She nodded, understanding in her eyes, and he wondered how long it had been there. How long had she known about the feelings that it had taken him so long to place? And even once he had he’d been too much of a coward to do anything about them, and now it was too late.

After Olivia had gone he slipped out of the pew and walked slowly up toward the altar. The shiny black casket was gone, having been carried out by the pallbearers while Rafael dreamt of what might have been, what _should_ have been, but the photo remained. A poster sized version of Sonny stared back at him, ever immortalized in his dress uniform, dimples creasing his cheeks and blue eyes shining.

If only he’d stopped Sonny from leaving his office that night like he’d wanted to do, but he hadn’t. No, he’d let his insecurities and fears and his concern for his stupid career get in the way. He’d regret it for the rest of his life.

 

_Rafael checked his watch. “It’s after ten. You can hold Hamlin for twenty-four hours, and I’m not burning any collateral by knocking on a judge’s door this late at night.”_

_“You’ll tell Liv?” Carisi asked hopefully._

_Rafael chuckled. “Not a chance.”_

_“Was worth a shot, right?” The detective grinned, standing._

_“Carisi?” Rafael said before he’d even realized it._

_“Yeah?” He turned just as he’d reached the door._

_Rafael had been about to ask him to stay, to have a drink, but panic gripped at his chest. “Um, your file,” he said lamely, holding out the folder._

_“Nah, that’s your copy. See you tomorrow, Counselor.” Carisi flashed him one more grin and then he was out the door._

_Rafael began gathering up his things, ready to call it a night when the sound of gunfire, unmistakeable even six stories up, sounded outside. He ran to the window, but the angle didn’t allow him to see the sidewalk directly below._

_He called Carisi’s phone even as he ran down the hall, jabbing at the elevator button over and over until it finally arrived._

_“You’ve reached Detective Carisi. I can’t come to the phone right now-”_

_“God dammit,” Rafael growled, ending the call. Carisi was probably just trying to take control of the situation, whatever it was. He’d probably bitch Barba out for running toward the gunshots instead of staying put in his office and letting him handle it._

_Finally reaching the street he looked back and forth, spotting a man leaning over a body on the sidewalk, digging through his pockets._

_“Hey!” Rafael yelled, an idiotic move, but he wasn’t really thinking._

_The man jumped back, gun clattering to the ground as he took off. Rafael got a look at his features as he passed under a streetlight before his attention turned to the man on the ground._

_As he got closer he felt his body start to tremble and for the second time that night panic took hold of him. “No, no, no…” He murmured as he dropped to the ground next to Sonny. Blood bloomed across the chest of his light gray suit and Rafael pressed his hands to the wound, doing his best to slow the bleeding._

_It hadn’t done any good. The doctors said he was gone before Rafael had even gotten off the elevator._

 

It was the wrong place at the wrong time, a mugging gone wrong, the assailant so high on a cocktail of drugs that he didn’t realize he was shooting a cop outside of the DA’s office. Somehow that made it worse. It wasn’t a perp with a vendetta, or even a guy at the end of his rope who had a hatred for cops, but just a junkie looking to get enough money for his next score and Sonny happened to be there.

Knowing Sonny he’d tried to talk to the guy, told him he could help him, maybe even tried to take the gun away. They’d never know for sure. The only one left alive to know the truth was his murderer and now that he was momentarily sober as he awaited trial, he claimed he didn’t remember any of it.

Not that they needed his confession. His prints were on the gun and they had eye witnesses, including Rafael, who saw him fleeing the scene. Most likely his public defender would work out a deal, but Rafael hoped not. He didn’t deserve a deal. In fact, it was the first time that he found himself wishing that New York still had the death penalty.

He shook his head, knowing even in his state of grief that it was his anger at himself that had him thinking that way. He looked up once again at the photo. “I’m so sorry,” his voice cracked as the tears he’d been fighting since that night on the sidewalk finally spilled over his cheeks. “I know it’s my fault. And I know it’s too late, but I love you.” A sob escaped his throat as he dropped into the front pew. “I love you, I love you, I love you…” It was a whispered prayer, over and over, like if he just kept saying it, Sonny would say it back.

But there was nothing but the deafening silence of the church and the choking feeling of his own guilt and regret, wrapped like a hand around his throat.

“Raf?” It was Liv, back to check on him since he’d been much longer than a minute. Seeing the state he was in she dropped to the pew beside him and wrapped her arms around him. He wasn’t normally the type to accept any type of affection, especially in the form of a hug, but it was all she could think to do. It surprised her when, instead of pulling away, he wrapped his arms tightly around her, accepting her comfort.

“I loved him.” He confessed into her shoulder. “And I was too afraid to tell him.”

“He knew,” Olivia said soothingly, running her hand over his back. “He knew.”

He hoped she was right, that Sonny had seen more in him than just sarcasm and disdain, that he’d known, deep down, how Rafael truly felt about him.

“We should get to the cemetery,” Liv said gently, but she didn’t let go of him.

Now he pulled back, shaking his head. “I don’t— I can’t— “ The thought of watching as they lowered him into the ground, spilling dirt over the lid of the casket, made his stomach roll.

“Okay,” Liv nodded. “That’s okay. Want me to take you home?”

Rafael shook his head. “No, you go. I think I’m just going to stay here for awhile.”

She gave him a worried look and squeezed his shoulder before making her way back up the aisle of the church.

He let out a shaky breath, focusing once again on the photo of Sonny, happy, alive Sonny, to help chase away the images of him lying on that dirty sidewalk, pale and bleeding. An image that would haunt him always.

And then he did something he hadn’t done in decades, something he had no right to do, not after all this time and all he had done, but it was all he had. Eyes still fixed on Sonny, he prayed for forgiveness.

**Author's Note:**

> Title based on the song of the same name by Rascal Flatts. Mostly for these lyrics:  
> Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret  
> But I know if I could do it over  
> I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
> That I left unspoken


End file.
